Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.
And at no other point in my life have I felt more sure and secure of my purpose and passion. Even as I post this blog I am on the road, serving as a keynote speaker at three separate campuses in northern Georgia. I am loving what I am doing and who I am.
But it was not always like this.
I used to be jealous of people who said, believed and lived out the saying “Do what you love, love what you do.” I was REALLY good at doing things and getting things done. But I hadn’t fully landed on my passion, niche or what I would be remembered for. This was me three years ago, before I started to blog, research and speak about social media in higher education.
I had just left a full-time job and jumped into my doctoral program full-time. I remember feeling like I was a balloon, floating in the dark and quickly losing air. I wasn’t secure in my research topic, career direction or even my personal life.
I sat alone on the eve of my 32nd birthday and started writing. Tears came easily and just when I thought all emotions had passed, sobs emerged while I prayed.
It was that night I finally gave not just my heart – but my career to God. I said,
“God I am lost. I don’t have it figured out, so you get it all. Take me where you need me to be. Make what I do matter in this world and in your eyes. Please God hear me. Amen.”
I cried myself to sleep and let what I wrote be tucked away – while I let God do his work on me – until today.
April 4th 2016
There have still been tears, but since that night everything has changed. I am in awe where God is taking me. This year I have become a doctor, flew around the world as a professional leadership speaker and been published twice. So, I am finally sharing what I wrote that night unedited.
You might feel how I did. Alone, confused, frustrated, looking for direction in your life. Sharing is taking a lot of courage, but also part of my healing process. This journey has not been perfect. I am not perfect. I wrote this depressed and a stranger to the woman looking at me in the mirror. I’m sharing this because I have worked extremely hard not only on my career, but the relationship with myself and God.
If you know these words, I encourage you to seek support. Whether it is a counselor, friend or faith. All those things worked for me. I know I will always be my worst enemy and critic. And the love of myself and my life will always be a long-term status update. But I’ve never been alone. My husband, my family and my family of friends – with me every step of the way. Three years later. The eve of my 35th birthday, I have found my footing.